Notes On 2021: Maybe Tomorrow Will Be Better

When I think about 2021, I can’t remember anything specific. There were no memorable moments. It just all flowed together like a continuation of 2020. I turned 30 in 2021, and I remember getting my vaccine and feeling a moment of relief, like it was all ending and life would go back to normal, whatever that was.

My thirties promised to be a time of stability, a decade where I knew who I was and felt secure with myself. Although I’m only one year into my new decade, I’ve never felt worse. I feel like I’m in this constant state of limbo. Like I don’t know what’s next, and if that’s my fault or just a societal feeling of disillusion, are we all collectively holding our breath?

The constant supply of seemingly perfect lives on social media amplified this feeling of uneasiness. It’s like everyone seemed to go on glamorous trips and afford these luxe lives while the rest of us paid off our debt and wondered if we’d make rent. Whenever I talk about the effects of social media on our livelihood, I’m never referring to celebrities, it’s actually the people in our immediate circle.

You see your rich friends get wealthier and replace you with friends that meet their new standards and can afford the monthly botox and weekend trips to expensive resorts. You start to feel like an old sweater they outgrew and replaced with a luxury label that fits their new aesthetic. You outgrow the city you once called home. People text you back less often.

Everyone has moved forward and moved on. It’s hard being the person left behind, and I feel like I didn’t get a chance to mourn the last years of my twenties. It’s a kind of place I can never go back to, and I need to stop thinking I can.

We usually see change in more minor ways, but the past two years have been a magnifying glass on how fast it happens, even when we feel like we haven’t had the chance to. My friend always says, “Keep your eyes on your own paper,” and my therapist would say, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” but does anyone actually not compare themselves to other people? I think I would think about it less if I could find a way to spin my life into appearing better.

I’ve tried to focus on small moments more than big ones this past year, and looking at all my photos and videos to see what my 2021 montage would be just reminded me that it’s been a year where nothing really happened. I like reading next to my cat while he basks in the sun, I like going to my friend’s apartment to gossip about Real Housewives, and I like cooking elaborate meals after a stressful workday. And every time I note one of these small moments, I try to make it to the next day without crying, and I just think maybe tomorrow will be better. I feel like that’s what 2021 has been, 365 days of “maybe tomorrow will be better.”